Sin
by Deep Puddle
Summary: Koaru's thoughts about how he feels about Hikaru. When he voices his feelings how does hikaru react. Onesided HikaruxKaoru. One of my first Fanfics so please help me improve by critz.


An unforgivable sin.

I knew what his reaction would be, but I did it anyway. I committed a sin, a sin that I cannot take back nor can I change the fact. I knew that I wasn't right, I knew what I thought was wrong. The thing that I wish for, the thing I dreamed of would never come true. But I wanted to hope. I wanted to believe that the one I loved would understand and return the feelings that I have kept hidden for years. But he loves another and he will never feel the same. I know that he cannot and will not feel the same.

--

We laid in our bed, quietly minding our own business but enjoying the others company. He was playing his handheld video game; I was doing my homework as well as his. He has always had trouble with math so I always help him out. I didn't mind, as long as it made him happy I was satisfied.

Tonight I felt selfish; I wanted him to know the truth. I wanted him to know the pain, the burden that I have to carry every day. Not telling a soul. Not passing the burden onto him until now. I wanted to make him happy; I wanted him to feel the same. I wanted him to love me as I did him.

I wanted him to know how our 'brotherly love acts' were fantasy that I had. How I no longer felt the need to act. How I wanted him to really mean all the things that he said. How I wanted him to hold me every night as he did when we are with customers. I wanted him to look at me the way he looks at her. I just wanted him to know.

I know that it was wrong, I know that it's a sin to think of your brother in the way that I did –do- I understand that it isn't looked upon and I understand that it could destroy everything that I worked so hard for. But I felt like I needed to go for it. I was sick of hiding from him.

"Hey Kaoru? Do you remember what we theme are we doing in the club tomorrow" He asked me, not looking up from his game. I look up at him and put my pen down.

"I don't think we have any theme tomorrow I think that it is just school uniform" I say sitting up and moving a tad closer to him.

"I see, do you wanna take a break from math and work on our script?" He asked, finally looking up at me. His golden eyes looking into mine, for once I hope he sees the truth. The dirty, horrible truth.

"That sounds good to me" I say wanting nothing but to tell him that it's not an act to me. We get closer we are pretty much touching. I get my pen and a pad of paper and put it in my lap. I wait for him to come up with an idea.

"Hmmm I can't think of any honestly. Maybe a nightmare again or maybe a bath one" He says. I began to think of how wonderful it would be to bathe with him again. I had to stop before sadly because I was getting to the point where I couldn't see him naked without getting excited.

"The bath idea sounds nice" I say a little too dreamy. I notice this and blush a tad. He looks at me strange.

"Kaoru is something the matter?" He questions, and I don't know what came over me but what I said next surprised even me.

"I was just wondering what it would be like to bathe together again" I regret what I say. I didn't know how to fix my mistake. "I just mean it use to be fun"

He looked at me and laughed "God kaoru you are such a kid sometimes" His thickness is sometimes a relief but now I don't know how I feel about it.

"Y-yeah…Hey Hikaru…I need to tell you a secret" I stuttered, nervous about what I got myself into. I began to pull on the end of my Pj's.

"Yeah sure what is it I'm all ears" He smiled and put a hand to his ear, he moved a little closer. I take a deep breath before I say the one thing I tried to avoid for years.

"H-H-Hikaru I love you." I managed to get out. My face turned red and I felt like there was a knot in my stomach. I know what he will say and I prepare for the worst.

He was silent for a moment before he began to speak again. "I love you too, we're brothers"

"I don't mean like that. I like you in a way more than that." I said as I pulled on my sleeve. Tiny tear drops formed in the corners of my eyes as I waited for his response.

He jumped from the bed. He made a sound of absolute disgust. "What the fuck Kaoru?!" He yelled, the tears now rolled down my cheeks as I looked at the bed.

"I know its wrong…but I can't stop feeling this way…I love you" I said the tears fell faster now. I looked up.

"Don't say it again. Just know that I am not and will never be like you." He said before he left the room. I sat there in silence crying. I had taken a chance and I had already known the outcome. I knew what I did was wrong and I won't ever forgive myself for doing this to him.


End file.
